WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
