Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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