I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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