Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
