hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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