I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
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I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
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Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize