I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
