i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
