i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
