well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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