last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
