Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
