Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
