So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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