You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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