there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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