Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
