got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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