Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
