I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I have post one night stand depression
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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