just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
why is half of my head shaved?
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