She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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