i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
