saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
