Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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