your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
