He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
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That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.