I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.