ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.