If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad