I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN