If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
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I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
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We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.