I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Do you still have your period?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work