im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
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Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
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What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.