Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth