I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
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His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.