I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
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His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
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allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.