Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...