I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror