Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.