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you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just google imaged poop.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
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