I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us