Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks