just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex