I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?