How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.