My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.