Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.