I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?