you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.