just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.