his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.