Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.