Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.