we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.