i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro