OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.