I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.