He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
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this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.