the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
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he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?