Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?