I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.