He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
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Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.