you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.